I have been seeing a man, we had sex several times but it doesn’t work very well. He is not always fully erected but he doesn’t react as if this is a problem and he continues but for me this is not pleasant because everything is quick and kind of harsh. Apparently if it’s slowly and gently he doesn’t get aroused but I don’t like quickies. When is it best that we talk about it – I don’t feel like talking during sex to not insult him. On the other hand, if I want to talk to him in a special conversation I’m afraid he may get insulted.
Hello, Haley, we keep saying that sexual communication determines the quality and sometimes the quantity of sex. Rarely can we meet a partner who fulfills our wishes. So take a piece of paper and write the following:
1. I get aroused by… Describe in detail what you like. For example – to gently push your tongue around my neck and whisper: I want to be in you. So – 10 things.
2. In sex I am repelled by… Describe what stops your arousal. For example, if your partner is telling you something vulgar or is touching your clit way too hard. 10 things.
3. I like to fantasize about… Describe your favorite fantasies. This does not mean that the partner has to realize them at any cost. But elements of them – he can. If you have a fantasy of being raped, he can squeeze you harder and pull you by the hair.
4. Our favorite common sexual memories… Describe 10 things you remember and why you remember them. When you analyze them, you will have an idea of WHAT exactly causes your desire. For example, sex in the opened or certain smells or words. It is our job to understand where our sexual buttons are and tell them to the man.
Give him that list. Ask him the same questions. If you learn these things for both of you, you will qualitatively improve your sex life.