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Five steps to get over the pain of divorce

Separation is something very difficult even when you wish for it.

When you get married and have children none of you even thinks that one day you could stop loving the other person, that one day you will even start hating him or her and you will leave and continue your path alone.

A decision for separation isn’t easy either. And you keep constantly asking yourself: Have I really done everything? Can’t we really change some things? Maybe there is still a chance? How will this separation affect our children and our lives ahead?

Cases in which separation is worth:

  1. When you feel that you are dying slowly in this relationship, it doesn’t give you anything new and you feel like roommates only;
  2. When there is no sexual desire or attraction at all and when even the thought of touching and caressing disgusts you (if you don’t leave and continue to force yourself then your body starts getting sick just to have an excuse for not having sex);
  3. When there is pain and violence in the family and whatever you do nothing helps;
  4. When you feel the need to constantly cheat on your partner and to look for partners at other places;
  5. When you don’t want to share anything with your partner;
  6. When you feel that your partner pulls you backwards, you can’t progress and fly higher with him;
  7. When you feel that you need things which he can never give you and the other way around.

Here I want to share with you my own opinion: adultery is not a reason for divorce. In this situation you both need to sit down and talk to each other why you did it, why you got here and to fight for your marriage.

In case of adultery both partners are equally guilty, because they didn’t understand each other’s needs.

Steps:

  1. Give your best before you split up.

If you have decided it – give yourself some time, 2-3 months and during that time do your best!! Do everything you know from books and articles you have read on relationships. Try Tantra sex courses and sexual therapy for couples. Try psychotherapy for couples or anything else, just try to do your best for this relationship.

At this stage, couples often improve their marriage and their relationship starts to develop in a better way.

If this is not happening then choose to split up without any doubt and submit a divorce application.

  1. Do not accept tears or pain as a reason to keep your marriage.

I can share my own experience – the most difficult thing is to take this decision. I cried a lot in my lawyer’s office and I asked her if this was the right thing to do? And if it was right, why did it hurt so much and I couldn’t stop crying?

She answered that even if you want it, the trauma is still big and everyone cries in such moments. She got through a divorce herself because her husband treated her badly. She wanted to divorce him and yet she cried while she did it.

So don’t let tears and pain stop you at this moment. If you have tried everything and have taken the decision – just continue.

  1. Sort out all troubles and difficulties about children and possessions before that.

Discuss everything realistic and with clear heads. See what is good for all of you, there is always a compromise, use a mediator’s services, if needed.

  1. Keep the love between you two.

The child needs to feel that no matter what is happening, mum and dad love each other. Even if they are not together. Otherwise, all the troubles you both have had, will come back to you through your child’s behavior.

  1. Give yourself some time to suffer.

Don’t stop the suffering process, you need to cry everything out loud.

Divorce is like death, you go through the absolutely same feelings.

Firstly, a strong pain and denial (This can’t be true).

Next, the fear that you will always be alone. And here we often take the wrong decisions and start dating the wrong partners.

Then, it comes the illusion that everything is Ok, you put on “the pink glasses and you think that there is no big deal. But we aren’t ready yet, even if we want it so much.

Acceptance – we start to accept the new reality at this stage. To get over the divorce it takes on average 10% of the time that you were together.

After that you can give yourself a chance to fall in love again and to move on.

If you like to work further on the topic, we recommend the webinar The New Me. Life after break-up.

Love,

Kobylkina

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